Everything scares me at this point. Weekends scare me. Boys scare me. Girls scare me. College absolutely terrifies me. At my high school graduation, I thought I had it all figured out. I KNEW what I was going to do. I knew who I was. I knew everything. Then, I got to college. Now, I have no idea what I want to do. I have no clue who I am. Oh, yeah, that scares me, too.
As the days roll together and it gets colder outside, the snow starts falling, the days dim earlier, and I begin to forget why I’m even here. What is the point of all this work? Will it ever end?
After high school graduation, I knew it all. I had a plan for my life. I was going to major in apparel and textiles and be a fashion designer. I was going to change the fashion industry. As corrupt as it is today, they need me. What I didn’t realize then was in college things change. People change, including me.
Weekends sneak up on me on a hunting lion’s paws. I work, work, work all week and then all of a sudden I have no classes for two days. The momentum I built up during the week goes down the drain. As soon as I’m ready to take on the work, it isn’t there. I also get so wrapped up in my work I forget to make plans for the weekend. It’s just there, and I have nothing to do. With no man in my life or girls to gossip with or car in the 1-square-mile town of Boone, there are limited options for my weekend activities. Typically, sleep ends up winning as my choice for “fun.”
My opinion of men has also gone down the drain. I’ve given up on what they think because what they think is inferior to what I think. And I think their thoughts suck. When they’re not focused on sex, drugs, alcohol, video games, and sports, I am never the one on their mind. Just last week, I was in Murphy’s, and some guy looked at my face, smiled, then my chest, dropped the smile and blatantly looked away, I realized he did not matter. Boys are asses, dogs, or pigs. Men are just grown up versions of boys (refer to previous sentence for what boys are).
Girls are supposedly not competitive. In reality, they are more competitive than boys. They’re just competitive at different things. Girls compete to have the best clothes, hair, make up, and arm candy, while men feel bad being considered arm candy. (Guys, the truth is, it does not matter what she does with you sexually; all that matters is what her friends think of you. If a girl’s friends like you, you should be proud.) Girls are undependable, two faced, and manipulative. For example, there was a girl named Missi who I thought was my best friend in high school, but whenever a guy came around she disappeared off the face of the earth. She became all about that guy and had no time for me. What if all the girl friends I have all of a sudden become unavailable or judgmental?
At first, college was cool. I loved being away from my parents, being able to do what I wanted, and having friends. Now, though, the prospect of spending four years of my life studying something I might not even get a career in is too overwhelming for words. Deciding my major is an entirely different story. What if I want to choose a major that has no job opportunities? What if I fall in love with some guy majoring in sustainable development with no promising career after college?
When will my appetite for breakfast return? When will I keep my room clean? When will I start to take being an adult seriously? When is my perception of the world going to change? Will you change it?
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